Like I haven't noticed it too

I am not blogging. Yeah, I know. Blogging perhaps, was just a phase, after all...

Comeback

The excitement is killing her. But she is not going to share it with anyone just yet, lest she jinxes it by saying it prematurely.

It's too early. No. She won't talk. Not now. Not till...

This has brought her back to her blog. She is overjoyed to know she is typing words again. For some months now she had phased herself out, not writing, not talking, not reading....

Her comeback is not far away now.

Pregnant with a growing foetus of a secret, she walks around the place with a smile on her face.

Restlessness

Always something to do.

Always somewhere to go.

Always something on the agenda.

Can I just sit here on this rock; and do nothing?

Naja naja

There they were.

Snakes.

Big ones.

Not one, but two.

Thoughts in my head- "What are they? Definitely not russels vipers or saw scaled vipers. These guys are looong. So cobras. Wait, they could be rat snakes. Well, I can't make out. They are moving too fast! Can’t see their heads, man! How do I make out?" It was then that I remembered I was holding a camera in my hand. "Stupid girl! Take pictures!! No!! Are you crazy? What if they are cobras? Run you stupid girl! But then I'll never know....

Click. Click. Click. Click. Camera frenzy.

"Check the pics. Did you get the head?"

Zoom in.

A hood.

"Oh my god, they are cobras!"

A parallel series of thoughts and emotions- I had to deal with the realization that it has actually happened. People had warned me about this, about snakes being around my work site. Wear shoes, not sandals, they advised. Wear full pants, not three-fourths. Wear thick full pants, not those flimsy cotton ones. And I had done all that. I had taken all these precautions. But I must tell you, standing there about 7 meters away from two large Indian cobras made all my precautions look puny and stupid.

Now I know why people revere them. Why they are idolized into gods. These guys are the very embodiment of power. Every move they made commanded attention. It seemed as if power actually oozed out of them, slithered to where you were and made you feel really really minuscule, puny and tiny and meaningless. Feeling helpless, I just stood there with dropped jaws watching them gracefully dance away.

Then the practical part of me finally broke through all the 'ooh's and ahhs'; this practical self reminded my jaw-dropped self that I was at least 20 minutes away from help in case anything went wrong, it was almost sunset and I had no idea how to handle snakes, so it would be best to pick up those dropped jaws and get myself out of there as fast as I could.

And I did.

After there was considerable distance between me and the romancing beasts, after the heart beats had returned back to normal a new moment of clarity- this is why I am here, I told myself. For this! This is why I didn't opt for a desk job. This is why I opted to get out of that city. To get out of the rush hour traffic and the local trains! To see a courtship of indian cobras, or as we biologists would call them Naja naja. It's all worth it, I told myself! The loneliness, the silence, the fear. It's all worth it! The moment of clarity broadened and I thought of all the other things that are making this 'living alone' worthwhile. The no-less-than-five hoopoes that visit my front yard everyday! The coppersmith barbet who posed so well in front of my cam! The verditer flycatcher that flew around the tree in my courtyard. The purple sunbird nests we monitored, their cute little chicks and their hungry cries!

I relate this incident to one that unfolds in the Lord of the Rings- when Frodo receives from Galadriel the light from Elendil, the elves' most beloved star; "let this be the light, when all other lights fade".

I sit here tonight, in this giant empty house and just when 'all other lights fade' I think of the spectacle that unfolded before my eyes- the rare sight that reminded me of why I am here. This, for me, is what Elendil was for Frodo.

Sappy? Very.But you know what, I don't care!

By yourself

My project work has been postponing because of some silly logistics. So I have nothing to do but wait here at Rishi Valley.
Everyone tells me this is a wonderful opportunity. And I know it. When else do you get to spend so much time with the trees, the clouds, the open sky and fresh breeze? With sunsets and birds and an occasional snake? What a golden oppurtunity! Yes I know it, I know it very well.
It’s all nice on day one.
It’s nice on day two too.
It’s ok on day three.
By day four you make so many phone calls, you are sure your phone bill is going to shoot up.
By the end of the week, you dream of meeting your friends and family, you are walking down streets and roads of your neighbourhood in your sleep.
By the end of two weeks you are on the verge of depression.

This temporal cycle also has a sub-cycle- a circadian one. Here is how it goes:
In the morning, you wake up feeling aweommse! The birds are singing, the sun is shining and you say to yourself, it couldn’t be a better day. After breakfast, you start your work. There are tonnes of things you have to do. Email your boss, analyze data, read through those books you have to read, do some more literature surveys. You do all this with enthusiasm till its lunch time. Lunch is served at the dining hall ten minutes from your house. Occasionally you meet some interesting people at the lunch table. Small talk happens. This is when you realize that you haven’t opened your mouth at all and used your pharynx to make sounds all morning. For a girl who was always caught in school for talking too much, this is a phenomenon to be reckoned with.

After lunch you get back to work. Read a book, surf net, read another book, read a paper, read your friend’s blogpost, read yet another book by yourself. Even after reading so much you realize you are, without a doubt, bored. You try to write, but mostly in vain. Sometimes something reasonably ok turns out, like this blogpost.

It’s 4.00 pm. Time to get up and exercise.
Tea must be getting served in the dining hall. Off you go for some tea, by yourself. Next item on the agenda- birding. Birding is fun. It is the only activity of the day that has an element of surprise in it. You never know which bird you’ll get to see up close, which bird will allow you to take awesome pics you can put up on facebook. Ah! The purple sunbird was posing so well! I’ll get lots of comments on my FB for this one!
There are lots of nice spots here for perfect sunsets. You sit on a hill top, or near a pond, or on open fields and watch the sun set aginst the hills. It's beautiful! You sit there with the breeze in your hair, again, all by yourself. You wish there was someone with you with whom you could enjoy this scene. It's not an idle thought. You really yearn for it. You really want company.

You come back home. Do the laundry, wash some vessels or sweep the floor. By yourself.
Dinner time.
Again, how well dinner goes depends on the people that come and join you at the table.
Walking back from dinner is when the feeling of dread sets in. Your house is in one direction the rest of the hostels are in the other. You walk back home; (need I mention) by yourself. After unlocking the door to the quiet house the first thing you do is switch on your laptop. I need some sound! Music. Any music. Anything other than this deathly silence. You while away your time doing general things- checking your fb friends’ status accounts, their pics, chatting. You constantly look at your watch. It’s only 8.30 pm.
Then you reach for your cell phone. Whom should I call today? I miss them ALL so much! The talks last for more than an hour. They leave you smiling and reminiscing about all your city-days. Later, the number of your yawns increase. It’s 10.00 pm. Time to sleep. One by one you switch off each light. With the diminishing of each source of light, you feel that the silence becomes more prominent, more noticeable. The switching off of the last light is the worst. As total darkness engulfs you and the house, you edge towards your bed, wimpering in your head.
What was that? That noise? Must be a toad. From outside. Sure it was from outside?
It’s nothing. You are just imagining it.
And that? That was definitely something. Yeah, but it was from outside. Must be those toads in the leaf litter. Should definately clear the leaf litter tomorrow. Leaf litter and toads- perfect place for snakes...
Did the door just crack open? No. It is just the small sounds houses make at night. It’s perfectly normal!
And that scratching noise? Hmm, either rats or civets on the roof again.
With these thoughts you fall asleep, by yourself.

Delays! Delays! Delays!

But I do want to work!

I want to be busy. I want to drown in work and be so busy that I have no time for sadness, no time for loneliness.

Just me and my work.

Then why does it not happen?

I just want my work to start now. But the fact that it's not in my hands is frustrating! I cannot do anything till the props are ready. Too many delays. They just make your enthu snuff out. I am tired of wasting my time. I am tired of nothing happening. I can't wait for the real work to begin. The anticipation of the results is killing me!

This is it

I have to live all by myself from today onwards for a month or so.